If the movie “Gravity” were to be made by Kollywood directors – Part 1

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The Hollywood movie “Gravity” has charmed audiences all over the world with its unique visual effects and setting. The movie bears a stamp of class direction all over it, well augmented with stellar performances from the lead pair.

How would the movie be if it were to be directed by Kollywood’s leading directors? The Tamil UnReal Times correspondent Mani Verithnam brings you the stories:

Mani Ratnam
The movie would be titled “VinveLi”, starring Arvind Swamy, Manisha Koirala & Madhavan as the 3 astronauts sent up in Spaceship Explorer. The movie’s story would be closely guarded until release, with no Indian being permitted to take any space expedition while the movie is being shot in space.  Satellites too, would be banned from orbiting towards the shooting spot. The movie would be 150 minutes long instead of 90, mainly due to the long pauses between every sentence spoken by the lead pair. There will be no panic or screams even when the debris flies. Just monosyllables from the heroine, like “parandhukitturku………..mela patta…………setthuduvom,” with the hero holding her headcase, saying “Saagalaam……sniff…….onna saagalaam” with tears flowing down both their cheeks, accompanied by a phenomenal background music by AR Rahman, high on strings, followed by a humming in his own, divine voice.

The movie will be titled “VinveLiyan – the astronaut”, aptly ending with an “an” like all Shankar movies. It will star Superstar Rajnikanth, Aishwarya Rai & Sathyaraj. The movie will be based on a budget of 1500 Crore and will be one of the most expensive films in the world. One song will create a Guinness record for being the first song in the world to be shot on all planets in the solar system. There’ll be another song shot on the moon, with an entourage of a thousand dancers, dressed as aliens. Madhan Karky’s lyrics will have catchy phrases like “Asteroidile Astronautgalin Kadhal” and some new Tamil words relating to astronomy. The intro song, “VinveLiyin Veeran, Engal Tamizhkaaran” will be another class song by Vairamuthu, extolling the superstar to stellar heights, aptly rendered by SP Balasubramaniam to the mighty tune of AR Rahman. The movie will have Sathyaraj as the rival, villain astronaut, who will damage the spaceship and bribe the astronauts at other space stations to bomb all the asteroids the duo goes to, but an accident leads to debris heading towards the earth, which could destroy the planet. Superstar Rajinikanth saves the planet and the movie will end with a social message on why corruption and human greed are detrimental to life.

T Rajendar
The movie, “VinveLisaamy” will open with aliens hijacking the spaceship, and harassing Astronaut Mumtaj, when suddenly TR comes flying in, knocking the shit out of the aliens and then saying,
Yey yey yey, indha edathula illa gravity,
irundhaalum en adi naala un pallula theriyudhu cavity!
Dandanakka Danakkunakka!

The astronauts would have come to space, mainly because TR’s thangachee would’ve wanted to float in space. TR would simply not refuse anything his Thangachee desired. TR didn’t want Mumtaj to come along, but once Thangachee insisted, she was also on board. Mumtaj will have dream sequences with TR and her walking on the moon, with TR telling kadhal kavidhais like

Idho paaru nilai,
nilayil vazhigiradhu kadhalin alai
Indha kadhal enbathu oru kalai

Songs tuned, written and sung by TR himself will come in at various situations.
The movie will have Thangachee firing at an asteroid carelessly, thus causing debris to come towards the spaceship. One thing leads to another, which causes a situation where only 2 astronauts can survive. TR gives up his life so that Thangachee can live, and in a mighty expression of true love, Mumtaj also jumps after him. Thangachee goes back to earth alone.

The movie will have promotional videos of TR making the sounds of a rocket, and the sound of footsteps taken with low gravity, all with his mouth.

KS Ravikumar
The movie will be a comedy adventure starring Kamal Hassan and Asin on board spaceship Explorer. The dialogues will be written by Crazy Mohan. For example, when Explorer is destroyed, Asin points to it, cries and tells Kamal, “Adho paarungo, Explorer!”. Kamal, without looking, replies “Un ex poraar naa naan enna ma pannanum?” etc. Kamal Hassan will speak to Houston officials in an accent more American than that of NASA officials. KS Ravikumar will make a special appearance with a dance in one of the songs. The movie will end with Asin saying, “Kadavul naala thaan namba pozhachom!” and Kamal retorting “Kadavul irundhurndhar naa namba yen ippdi maatikitturndhurpom?” and the ensuing of an argument.

The movie will star Jeeva as the sidekick, Santhanam as the hero and Hansika as the sidekick’s pair. There will be lot of “Macha..indha ponnunga astronaunts eh ippdi thaan da” dialogues. There will be a scene in which over “quarters,” Jeeva and Santhanam talk.

Macha, adhu Suriyan…adhavdhu naan, idhu Nila..adhavadhu Meera (Hansika). Adho namma bhoomi vandhu nee. Macha, un vaazhkey ovvoru varshamum enna suttthiye nadakkudhu. Aanaa, indha kadhal vandhudhu nu vechukkayen, adhu oru Suriya grahanam maadiri.

Macha, Ippo oru grahanam nadakkudhu naa, enna aagum?

Bhoomikkum suriyanukkum naduvula Nila varum, Nila Suriyana maraikkum.

That is the lyffffff!

The movie will reach its end with the story completely vanishing and with Arya making a guest appearance in the end, standing next to Santhanam and saying “Nanben da!”

The story will star Vijayakanth in a double role as father and son, with Meena playing the son’s love interest and Manorama playing his mother. The spaceship will have the colours of the DMDK, as will Vijayakanth’s astronaut suit. 70% of the movie will be in English, with Vijayakanth mouthing dialogues like, “Houzdon, I yaav bad beeling about this missun,” “Ippo, naanga pogavendiya edam Indernasonal bace stason,” “Houzdon, yeverthing in awar condrol. Yeny other inpermason we will pass to you!”

When Meena drifts away from range, Captain will say, “I don’t know where are you. I don’t know how are you. But I will pind you!”. In the scene where he is able to catch the frequency of a Chinese radio with dogs barking, he will respond equally with “AUNGHHHH!

Meanwhile, it is revealed that the accident on the spaceship was caused deliberately by the villain Anandraj who had secretly sneaked in and whose men on earth are now in possession of Vijayakanth’s parents. He would’ve done this to take revenge on Vijayakanth’s father, who had humiliated his family in some village dispute. A tearful father Vijayakanth tells the son to fight and save the world. Anandraj has both of them killed, while he has Vijayakanth and Meena tied up. A sad song, tuned by SA Rajkumar plays, with Captain and Meena bursting into tears. An accidental fire in the ISS burns Vijayakanth’s ropes. He now goes after Anandraj, who runs away. Anandraj blows up other stations, thus causing debris to fly towards Vijayakanth. But Vijayakanth fights the debris and pushes them away with his bare hands. In the climax, Vijayakanth gets out of his suit, holds his breath for 5 minutes and fights Anandraj, saying, “Aye! Naan padavikko perukko inga varala da. Tamizh naatu eleigala vinveLikku kootikittu vara vazhi aa kandupidikka vandhen da!” before unleashing his wrath on him. The movie will also have punch-dialogues like “Aye! gravity enna gudhikkavekkaadhu da! Naan gravity aa gudhikkaveppen da“, wherein Captain will exert himself on the planet he is in and the planet will deflect a few inches due to Captain’s gravity. After killing Anandraj in outer space, Captain will light a match-stick and set Anandraj on fire (Yes, even in outer space.) He will then get back into his suit and release his breath and return to Tamil Nadu.

Goutham Menon
The movie will star Surya and Jyothika as astronauts, accompanied by Daniel Balaji who plays the alien villain. The movie will have a strong Tamil title, “VinveLiyil Tamizhargal” but 95% of the movie will be in English. After a lot of English conversation about space, heavenly bodies and life in general, Surya and Jo will return to the Explorer, when Surya will say, “I wanna make love to you.” Just then the debris smashes the Explorer and Jo drifts away and is captured by alien Daniel Balaji. Surya spends the whole 2nd half trying to fight Daniel and succeeds, only to discover that Jo has been killed.

Jayam Raja
The movie would be a remake of some other Hollywood space-based movie and will star Jayam Ravi.

(Continued in Part 2)


19 Responses to If the movie “Gravity” were to be made by Kollywood directors – Part 1

  1. Great.Look forward to the second part covering grossly overrated directors like K.Balachander and Bharathiraja.

    October 19, 2013 at 1:33 pm

  2. nibe, i could not stop laughing after reading this..

    October 19, 2013 at 1:35 pm

  3. Did it not bother anyone else that it is VinveLi, not Vinvezhi :-/

    Grammar Snob
    October 19, 2013 at 3:34 pm

  4. Thalaiva!! Sema.. Enjoyed all but k.s.ravikumar was the highlight. And explorer- un ex porar!! Typical crazy Mohan shtyle.. _/\_

    October 20, 2013 at 1:34 am

  5. I will die laughing now… hilarious…
    Keeping going… unga kittr naan innum ethirpaakuren

    Agni Sharman
    October 20, 2013 at 4:29 am

  6. P Vasu

    Chandramukhi casting is retained for this movie… “VinveliMukhi” .. fulla spacela story… Prabhu family space stationla thaan valuvanga… kadaiku ponna prabhu thidirnu forceaa paranthu varuvaaru and about to hit the space staton where his family live… he screams “Yaravathu kapathunga”…. all of a sudden, thalaivar comes and keep his one leg on Prabhu and stops him flying along with debris. apdiye ella anglela suthi kamikirom… apdiye intro song “devuda devuda vinveli devuda chududa chududa enga pakkam chududa”…

    Prabhu thanks him.. “Saravanan thanks.. enna kapathitinga”… story goes on so so…

    All of a sudden, some “Alien” creature tend to attack their space station… Saravanan tries to find this… One day studies about “Alien vs Predator” story.. and comes to know.. he disguises as predator and tries to speak with alien… Alien will tell to predator to Predator that “during the end of 11 year solar cycle, I will kill you”…

    The day comes…finally, saravanan finds Ganga is “Alien”… Saravanan tells to Prabhu “Mulusa Alienaa marirukura Un Gangava paar”… Prabhu “En Gengava ithu!!!… Enna Koduma Saravanan Ithu!!!”…

    Finally Alien vs Predator pada climax uruvi eduthu atha mix panni padatha mudipaar P vasu..

    Ram Narayan
    October 20, 2013 at 6:53 am

  7. thanks guys 🙂

    Ashwin Kumar

    Ashwin Kumar
    October 20, 2013 at 6:58 am

  8. time waste.. not funny at all!

    October 20, 2013 at 8:14 am

  9. Request: Kamal Haasan sir directing this movie

    October 20, 2013 at 2:09 pm

  10. Do us a favour .. Kill yourself before writing any stupid posts on Tamil.

    October 20, 2013 at 2:14 pm

  11. Nice, it flows like this when u see lot of movies, yaar sonanga nee periya aala varuvenu…..,vanthute da!.

    October 22, 2013 at 7:24 pm

  12. Kamal Haasan: He himself would play the role of George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, Houston technicians etc. He would play a total of 11 roles, speaking in an American accent that would surprise even the Americans. Illayaraja would compose the music. There wont be anyother popular actor in the movie. The movie would be extremely realistic and KH would once again make a movie on par with Hollywood quality. The story would revolve more around the mental aspects of the space scientists and how it affects the world. More detailing than actual Gravity movie. Even the scenes of destruction of the ISS would be filled with metaphors. It is obvious that the movie would be made on a budget of 250 crores, and Kamal would invest all his money in this. Would release simultaneously in Tamil, Telugu and Hindi.

    Muslims would come out on the streets claiming that the design of the space ship is against Islam. Hindus would want to ban the movie saying that Kamal Haasan is a bad example for the society as there are few realistic roleplay scenes in the movie. And, all these protests would happen even before they watch the movie, after watching just the teaser. Christians would say that the name of the movie is offensive. Indian government would say that the movie has anti-Gandhi elements. Would get banned for 2-3 weeks. Would trend everywhere on Twitter, Facebook etc. Would end up as a box office blockbuster after a delayed release; thanks to all the controversies.

    Sundarraman Poosa
    October 24, 2013 at 7:32 am

  13. *foreplay

    Sundarraman Poosa
    October 24, 2013 at 7:33 am

  14. Hey ashwin,

    your article is copied in vikatan , plz check.
    Mail/sue them for copyright infringement

    October 25, 2013 at 7:22 am

    • thanks 🙂 but this article was written after they took permission from me

      Ashwin Kumar

      Ashwin Kumar
      October 25, 2013 at 4:51 pm

      • Hey Ashwin, Can you please put English translation for Tamil phrases? Although I can understand but sometimes feel difficult. It would be easy if you can translate it just the way you do with Hindi on theunrealtimes..

        Aravind P
        July 12, 2014 at 2:51 am

  15. dude you din include Director Bala and vikram ..would have been funner

    November 11, 2013 at 12:17 pm

  16. Gettu article…..mass sir neenga..ashwin kumar
    3am and I am rotfl:)

    February 2, 2014 at 7:16 am